Horoscopes

Week of October 3, 2005
CAPRICORN
You are very troubled. You will not find true happiness until you achieve inner harmony. One way to help achieve inner harmony might be to give singing lessons to your liver and your pancreas.

PISCES
Today is a good day for physical fitness. Find out just what condition you're in by trying to touch your toes - with your knees.

AIRES
You've got to learn to live within your budget. You must learn to buy only what you can afford and avoid spending money you don't have. So send for our wonderful new book, "How To Stay Out Of Debt" — a terrific bargain at just 99.95. And if you don't have 99.95, just send us what you do have and we'll let you pay the rest in 47 easy payments of just 33.50 per month!

TAURUS
It's about time you gave up your unusual hobby and looked around for another. Let's face it — your innovative idea hasn't caught the public's fancy. Most people are simply not interested in joining a club made up of people who raise Homing Mosquitoes!

GEMINI
You are direct, plain-spoken and to the point. You believe in calling a spade a spade. You also believe in calling a hoe a spade ... and calling a rake a spade ... and calling a trowel a spade. In addition to being direct, plain-spoken and to the point, you also don't know a darn thing about the proper names of gardening tools.