Horoscopes

VIRGO
People often talk down to you. Solve this problem by hanging around with shorter people.
LIBRA
You will find a lot of money today, but because you are an honest, upright person you will return it to its righful owner. And remember, I lost a whole bunch of money the other day, so if you happen to find some, it's mine!
SCORPIO
Today is your lucky day! Everything you touch will turn to gold - so be extremely careful while toweling off after your shower.
SAGITTARIUS
Today your moon is rising, your Mars is in Venus and your Sun is on the cusp. All of this means that two things will happen to you today. After they do, please let me know what they were.
CAPRICORN
Today is a good day to find out how trustworthy you are. Tell yourself a big secret and then see how long you can go without blabbing it around.