Horoscopes

Week of August 15, 2005
SAGITTARIUS
Today's a good day to take a flyer in the market. Invite an airline pilot to go with you to HyVee.
AQUARIUS
Introspection is today's byword. Spend time looking inside yourself. If you have trouble looking inside yourself, try one of those long, bended mirrors your dentist uses.
PISCES
Women are attracted to men who are romantic yet appear to be different than other men. Prove to your girlfriend that you are different than all the other men she's known. Whisper sweet nothings in her nose.
ARIES
Demonstrate your superiority over machines. Stand on the corner of 18th and Vine and when the sign says "Walk," refuse to do so until it says "Please."
TAURUS
Prepare for the upcoming economic collapse by stocking up on the necessities of life. Try hoarding shoelace tips.