Horoscopes

AQUARIUS
Today you will astound the scientific community by discovering conclusive proof that, while macaroons cannot experience physical pain as we know it, it is possible to hurt their feelings.
PISCES
I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that CBS has decided to go ahead with that documentary of your sex life. The bad news is they've decided not to feature the report on "60 Minutes." They feel it would be more appropriate for a "CBS News Brief."
ARIES
Today you will lose all of your money when you invest in a nudist camp chain that caters exclusively to the Moral Majority.
TAURUS
Today's a good day to put your affairs in order. If you haven't had any affairs, try alphabetizing your plutonic relationships.
GEMINI
Today will not be a good day for you. A woman in Price Chopper will sue you for whiplash after your cart bumps into hers.